Adieu, Adieu Maternity Leave

Today was the day. 
Today I went back to work. 
And...of course...I don't remember it being like this with Eleanor. 

My alarm went off at 5:00 AM.  Surprisingly enough, it wasn't impossible to get out of bed and I only hit the snooze alarm once!

I went downstairs to pump - As little man has been sleeping well at night, I have lots of milk in the morning that I have continued to pump to build that wonderful storage.  I made sure not to pump it all, because I wanted to nurse Oliver before we left for daycare. 

I made some coffee and headed up to shower.

I realized I had given myself plenty of time and enjoyed getting ready leisurely.  About 6:15 Eleanor woke up (she gracefully JUMPS out of bed in the morning...oh to be able to great the dawn with such excitement!) and I intercepted her before she headed downstairs for her morning routine of watching cartoons.  I pulled her into bed and tried to cuddle for a few minutes before she determined I really was crazy and went downstairs for TV. 

By this time I had tried on 3 pairs of pants...all which made me feel fat, gross and uncomfortable.  I settled on a pair of maternity pants...much to my dismay!  I know...I know...10 weeks post partum, I shouldn't beat myself up...but I do.  I was in probably the best shape of my life pre-pregnancy...so this new (albeit temporary) body of mine is very hard for me...even though, it hasn't stopped me from dipping into Eleanor's Halloween candy.  I digress (surprise surprise).

We headed downstairs and I started packing my lunch.  Adding insult to injury...or injury to insult...or whatever...Eleanor asked me to come hang out with her on the couch like I was accustomed to doing during my leave.  I had to explain (for like the 100th time) that I was going back to work today and I had to finish getting ready. 

Finally around 6:45 I went to get baby Oliver.  It broke my heart to take him from his crib where he was sleeping SO peacefully.  As I carried him downstairs he gave me this look like, "WTF Mom?"  Gosh darn he has the cutest expressions.  He lazily nursed for awhile until I finally felt like he was done and we were ready to pack up. 

Andy loaded my 6 bags into the car and put Oliver into his car seat.  I gave Eleanor a huge hug...sure, she would be going to Kindergarten, just as she has been my entire leave...but it still made me sad to think I wasn't going to be the one to walk her to the bus stop and hang out until the bus came.  Sure...she never really paid much attention to me at the bus stop, but it was a mom thing to do and I got to do it while I was on leave. 

And then we were off.  Just Oliver and me and 6 bags...

 

4 of my 6 bags

Getting to daycare was no problem, since Oliver is going to the same place Eleanor went...however...Eleanor never went there as an infant, so that part was new.   I unleashed all of Oliver's "belongings" and tried to give the staff his "routine".  I could feel him falling asleep against my shoulder as I was talking and tried telling the teacher that he would probably be ready for a nap soon.  She was starting to prepare a bottle for another child and told me I could put Oliver in the bouncy seat for now.  Ummm, but Oliver likes to be held, bounced and patted to sleep.  Who was going to hold him all day? 

I could feel the tears starting to swell in my eyes and I knew I needed to leave soon.  I gave Oliver one final kiss and put him in the bouncy seat as instructed.  I ran to put his car seat away and tried to get to the safety of my car before the water works turned on.  I got onto the road and called my mom.  Just like I did when I dropped Eleanor off at daycare on the first day at Patty's and then the first day at the center.  Of course...mom was waiting for the call and answered right away.  I could hear the lump in her throat too and she just let me cry for a little bit and then wished me well on my day.

As I pulled into the parking lot of work, I tried to pinch my cheeks a few times and wiped some of the mascara off my cheeks.  Oh to heck with it - I might as well just fess up to crying all the way to work!

When I got into my office, I had balloons and a card waiting for me.  One of my co-workers baked cookies.  (That's not going to help fat thighs...but heck...I am depressed!) 

I spent most of my day catching up with people and trying to get through the e-mails that I hadn't gotten through on leave...surprisingly...with as often as I checked my mail, I still had 200+ unread messages.  Oy!

I had guilt several times during the day. Yes. I missed Oliver like CRAZY, but it felt SO good to be back at work.  To be working.  But the afternoon started getting harder and I felt myself checking the clock more often.

And let's talk about pumping at work...shall we?  I hate it.  There is nothing natural or normal about whipping your boobs out at work and pumping.  AND I forgot my nursing cover so I really was exposed in my office.  I only pumped twice and wished I would have gotten that 3rd pump in...

I only pumped about 8 oz today, which is far less than Oliver consumed.  Dang it...but I can't think about that right now.  Every day I pump anything is a success and one more feeding for Oliver.  I can't think of it week by week like I was originally doing.  It HAS to be day by day.  Pumping session by pumping session. 

Finally at 4:30 I called it quits. I loaded all my bags back into the car...Sure, I was able to leave a few at work...but I acquired a few new ones with generous presents from co-workers. 

 I drove to the center and first went to pick up E (in case you aren't aware...Eleanor is going to after school care at the center and then we are just going to pick the kiddos up at one place...convenient - no?).  Eleanor was all to excited to get Baby Oliver with me and I showed her where the classroom was and how she could peek in on him any time. 

Oliver was just sitting in the rocking chair with one of the teachers...sleeping so peacefully.  I felt a sense of relief wash over me.  He did it!  My relief quickly was smashed as I was educated on Oliver's day.

My sweet 10 week old baby.  The baby that has spent every single day of his 10 week existence with his mother...his mother holding him none-the-less...did not transition well to the bright, noisy atmosphere of daycare.  He ate poorly and slept even worse. Every time he went into his crib - he woke up. 

I felt horrible.  I could feel my nose tingling...a sure sign that the tears were soon to follow.  I asked if they even wanted Oliver back!  They laughed..."oh, he'll be ok...give it a few weeks."  WEEKS? I can't give him weeks!!  I need him to well adjusted...now.

Let's get something straight right now...I KNOW he's going to be OK.  I KNOW he's going to adjust.  I KNEW they would take Oliver back tomorrow.  

But it breaks my heart.  Literally.  It breaks my heart and hurts every bone in my motherly body to think of my guy screaming at these strangers.  To think that for one moment he thought...Where is my mom?  Where is that woman that feels like love?

These teachers don't love him.  They don't know him.  They haven't figured out what he likes.  How he likes to fall asleep. 

They will love him.  They will know him.  They will figure it out.  That's why we picked this center and feel comfortable with the staff.  BUT today...today they didn't know this.  And tomorrow the won't have it figured out either.  Tomorrow I'm going to drop my baby off and he's going to think, "Really?  Again?  Really? Why are you doing this to me mom?"

And it gets easier...yes...indeed it does.  But not tomorrow.  Tomorrow is harder because it's the second day away from my love.  It gets easier as they get older and they have FUN at daycare.  Now it's scary for him.  It's scary and it's unknown.  In a world that is full of scary and unknown.  I've added just one more thing for him. 

I tried to be strong for Eleanor and listen to her rattle on about school, but when I got home I lost it.  I just sobbed as I nursed Oliver.  He ate well and I could just feel what he was saying to me.  I could feel his comfort.  His security.  And I made Andy take Eleanor to gymnastics and I sat with Oliver and I cried some more.  And we cuddled and he slept.  He finally slept. 

Then Andy left to meet some friends for Monday Night Football and I sat on the couch with Oliver and I cried more.  And cuddled more.  And he slept more.  It was a very, very restless sleep and finally around 9:45 I felt him totally relax and I put him in his crib. 

I'm exhausted.  Not from lack of sleep, but just totally and utterly emotionally drained and spent.  I can't believe I feel this way.  How guilty I feel and how much I DO NOT want to take him to day care tomorrow.  I could hear his voice and cry were a little hoarse tonight.  He must have given then hell at daycare.  And it hurts me. 

Oliver's first report card...Look at that crappy feeding and sleeping schedule!

And each day they will learn each other a little more...just like we had to do in the beginning.  But I know him now and at least when he's fussy he's with his momma.  And as frustrating as it can be...at least he's not scared on top of it all. 

Now my babies are sleeping...and I need to sleep.  5 AM is going to come early and tomorrow is going to be harder to get myself going because I dread the day even more then today. 

BUT...I did come home to this AMAZING outfit from my friend Megan.  I LOVE big kid/Old Man clothes on little boys.  I mean seriously...how cute is that?  I guess I'll have to do some shopping tomorrow online so I can keep coming home to packages!

And I did get a kick out of Oliver sleeping and cuddling with me tonight.  He kept his eyes ever so slightly open...as if watching my every move...ensuring I didn't leave him or put him down.

Sweet, sweet Oliver...Momma loves you more than anything.  I am not doing this to punish you and you will one day know that.  You will come to understand that. We'll get through this together.  I promise.

All my love...X O Mom...