February 22, 2016

5 years.  

How is it even possible?

The day has come and gone, just like it does every year. 

And it's like I told a friend recently, no matter how seemingly wonderful my life is at the moment, this day always approaches and hits like a ton of bricks.  

I woke up this morning and thought: I'm going to play hooky.  I'm going to call Eleanor in sick to school.  We are going to go to Starbucks, go to the cemetery.  We going to get manicures, go shopping. And eat ice cream for lunch. 

But I didn't.  I got dressed.  Went to work.  Came home.  Went for a run.  At dinner with my family.  Gave the baby a bath.  Put kiddos to bed.  And now I'm sitting on my couch.  Next to my husband.  Drinking wine.  Feeling incredibly introspective.  

But I guess the later is really how this day is supposed to go.  Just like my life has gone on every day since February 23, 2011.

I can go back and read the posts and be transported right back to that time.  I can close my eyes and feel like I am standing in the family room of Keith, watching them all go through the motions.  I can see him in the hospital bed.

How is this my life and how am I having these memories?  

What would Nic think?  Would Nicolas be proud of me?  I'm not sure.  While I think my mortgage is through Associated Bank, I don't know how Andy pays it - or when.  I don't know Andy's social  security number.  I'm not really sure if Andy has life insurance through work - although I do know we purchased additional life insurance.  I get upset.  I lose my temper.  I need support.  I need encouragement.  I get worked up and rely on Andy to calm me down.  Talk me off the ledge. I can't do it alone - although I once could.  Is that a reason to not be proud of me?  Or is that a reason to be proud of me?  I let myself love again.  I let myself be vulnerable.  I don't live in fear...although...I should learn from life lessons of the past. I laugh. I cry. I remember.  Every day. 

And is Nicolas proud of you?  He thinks you are crazy.  If you would have told Nic that 5 years from the date of his death, his best friend, his daughter, his widow, his widow's husband, his mom, his dad, his sisters, his sister's friends...people all over...would be still gathering together to celebrate his life.  To share stories of his life.  He would have told you you were crazy.  He would have wanted his family to stay together, but that was easy.  But that Mama and Papa T would take us all in?  Nic was too humble to think that way.  So. yes.  He's proud of you.  He may wish you wouldn't have told that one story...but chances are...he already told Mary Ann anyway!  He's proud of you.  

My other question I ask myself...If I really did end up in the family room of Keith on February 22, 2011, what would I tell myself?  What would I tell a new widow?  An answer isn't simple.  But I would start with one simple command: Breathe.  It will all change.  You will learn how to navigate this life.  But you will not be without Nic.  He will guide you and lead you.  He will trust you.  He will test you.  Breathe.  

So - as always Nic.  As I navigate through these next few days...just keep dancing...and I'll just keep swimming.