February 4 years later.

February. 
Effin February. 

It's like quick sand. 
I go about life - always thinking.  Always remembering.
But then February comes and it just puts me in this weird funk. 

I can't believe it's been 4 years. 
4 years today.  Is that even possible?

It's so weird to think of my life 4 years ago. 
That tremendous outpouring of love.
From strangers.
From friends.
It was just awe-inspiring. 

And Nicolas.
The grace.
The strength.
The courage.
It was just awe-inspiring.

So the feelings I have on this February 22 are different then they were last year.  Different then the year before that. And the year before that.  And the year before that. 

It hurts still.  Every day it hurts.  But now it's different.  It's more pensive.  Reflective. 
Effin February. 

I can't help but go back and read those old posts.
Oh gosh.  Those old posts.  The raw emotion.  I can feel it all over again. 
And what would I say that girl.  That girl from 4 years ago. 

Cry.  Hurt.  Let the ache take over your body. 
Because every day it's going to get different.  Nic's memory will quietly and softly weave its way into your daily life and you WILL go on. 
You will survive.
You will love. 
You will live.

And that support staff?  4 years later?  Oh yeah, they are still there.  You guys still need each other. 
But that support staff.  It grew!  There will be NEW people.  New people that didn't know Nic.  Didn't know you 4 years ago.  And that's awe-inspiring.

Wow.
February. 
Effin' February.
Awesome.
Awe-inspiring February.